Movie Dads My Dad Can Beat Up

Father's Day is right around the corner and it is a time of celebrating that fact that our Fathers are Men, manly men, but they don't wear tights, unless you're this kid's dad.

Every now and then I get to thinking, which can be dangerous, and what I've thought of is a list of ten movie dads that my dad and possibly your dad can beat up.  Now keep in mind the dads in this list are no slouches, well not all of them, they have had hard fought battles with their sons and daughters just like our dads.

10. George Newton from Beethoven

George Newton is famous for being the dad who couldn't say no the the big St. Bernard in this flick, my dad would have punched this dog in the face for being annoying.  He would have still taken care of the dog, but there would be no hijinks.  Newton does defeat the evil veterinarian at the end of the film, but he would still be no match for my dad, as well as yours.



9. Charlie Hinton from Daddy Day Care

Charlie Hinton was portrayed by the once funny Eddie Murphy, who might be funny again.  You could actually line up the entirety of Eddie Murphy's dad roles in this spot and each would loose.  Hinton is a guy who lost his job leaving him with only one option, start a day care.  Really?  This guy looses because Murphy used to play bad-ass characters, what happened?

8. Mr. Levenstein from American Pie

Mr. Levenstein, played by the genius Eugene Levy, makes the list because of the terrible advice that he offers his son.  While this advice makes for great movie humor, it is totally unrealistic for us real worlders.  Don't quote me on this, but he might be the only character that is in all of the American Pie films, which could either be a win or a loss.  My dad would have no trouble handling this guy and neither would yours.

7. Mr. Skolnick from Revenge of the Nerds

Mr. Skolnick, aka James Cromwell, is the epitome of nerdy dad.  He is famous for driving his nerd son and son's friend, Louis and Gilbert, to Adams college (Home of the Atoms) with the "old cruise control set to 35 mph" in the family station wagon.  Though he may be one of the physically weakest dads on my list, he is a nerd, therefore he is scrappy.  Nerds don't know when to give up a fight and he will keep coming for more, but my dad will keep knocking him down.

6. Wayne Szalinski from Honey I Shrunk the Kids

Wayne Szalinski, or as you may know him Rick Moranis, is also a nerdy father in this family comedy.  Szalinski builds a machine that shrinks his children, what a careless father, and he has to hunt the backyard with a magnify glass to find them.  It seems obvious to me that this is a no brainer win for most dads, this guy is short and usually hanging in a harness in his backyard, easy target.

5. All Three Dads from Three Men and a Baby

I know what you're thinking(well not really), but you should be thinking, "How can any one dad take on three dads!  Especially if these dads are Tom Selleck (still sporting the mustache), Ted Danson, and Steve Guttenberg (never heard of him?  Police Academy?)"  Well that's easy, it's three guys living together raising a baby, you've never heard of Steve Guttenberg, and my dad has a righteous beard, and beards beat mustaches every time.

4. Jack Byrnes from Meet the Parents

Robert De Niro plays Jack Byrnes, who is a former CIA operative, but if you knew that he would have to kill you.  Ben Stiller may be no match for Jack, but that's because the rental guy picked the color of his car, so he's no genius.   My dad is from East Texas, he grew up running around bare foot killing water moccasins and other deadly snakes.  I've seen my dad cut a fish hook out of his own finger with a knife, wash it off with lake water, and keep fishing.  My dad would milk him.

Ok, these next three movie dads are by far the most formidable competition that any real world dad would ever face.  Each can stand their own ground, but if they were to combine forces they would be almost unstoppable.  Together they would lay waste to the American landscape driving across the countryside in their Wagon Queen Family Truckster.

Be Afraid.

3. The Old Man from A Christmas Story

The Old Man is not someone to be trifled with, after all he did raise Ralphie.  This is a man who has faced real world trials and tribulation.  He is a man who craves turkey and curses while fixing his heater. He has to chase dogs from his yard on a regular basis.  He has two sons and a nagging wife.  The Old Man has experience.  And by all means don't mess with his major award, the leg.  Even with all of this experience I know that my dad could beat up The Old Man.

2. Clark Griswold from National Lampoon's Vacation

Clark Griswold is played by none other than Chevy Chase, who was so awesome he only needed one season of SNL to become a made man.  Griswold is a movie dad that has to deal with hot women in fast cars, kids changing in every movie, and a wife that doesn't support his family vacation ideas.  He has eaten a sandwich cover in dog urine, shut down the cities power grid with his Christmas lights, and is related to Cousin Eddie.  He would be tough to beat, but because of his own desire to over do everything he would loose.

1. Darth Vader from Star Wars

Yeah, he's still bad-ass.

Darth Vader has a leg up on all of the competition.  He is played by two actors, the guy in the suit and James Earl Jones.  The voice alone would be tough to beat.  This is a troubled man who is so blinded by his desire to conquer the galaxy he chops his own son's hand off.  He can wield the force, fly a tie fighter, block laser blasts with his hand, and use a light saber.  But because he wears a cape, a mask (he must have a blind spot), and a deep desire to be good my dad would win.

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there.

Feel free to leave any Movie Dads your Dad could beat up in the comments.

Originally Published on Ballard's Blog.